This story starts at the end. Well, I thought it was the end, but it was just the beginning.
I was not sure if I should write this essay. I was worried that writing this would mean I had built up a date in my mind that impacted me. But then I began to question whether this was truly about the date or the events that followed and my subsequent growth. It is interesting how anniversary dates stick in our minds for various reasons. For me, this date was traumatic. My partner came home and told me he did not love me anymore. It was not so much how the relationship had fallen apart – post-break-up, I spent several months unpacking and analysing my feelings. The writing had been on the wall, and I had chosen not to read it. I was in love, and after being divorced, I truly believed this was my opportunity to find my person. It was the shock that within 45 minutes, my life had irrevocably changed, and this continued to ricochet for months to come.
On the 14th of June 2023, by 7 pm, I found myself suddenly single, in my dream countryside home with two pets. It is not what fairy tales are made of, but maybe this is why I say it is the start of my story, not the ending. This date was the moment when everything became incredibly hard. From my boyfriend leaving, having to move out of my home, heartbreakingly having to decide to put my puppy to sleep, blowing up my businesses, and letting go of every single one of my team. You can read all about this in my essay The Art of Shedding, which I published on New Year’s Eve. It was not just one big wave crashing down, but continuous waves engulfing me as I put my head up for air.
Rewind, and I started my 2023 newly diagnosed with ADHD. This created feelings of grief and loss at the start of the year. Suddenly, everything in my life made sense, yet no sense. I am sure this contributed to the relationship breakdown because I was understanding more about who I was. I was probably not the easiest person to live with as I navigated all this, but we are all different in communicating and supporting our partners. This communication takes work and effort. It is often not the fun part of a relationship but an essential part. If one of the persons in the relationship cannot or does not want to participate, you soon become adrift.
I coined 2023 as my year of shedding, as each layer and loss stripped me back to the barest of bones. I spent time alone by the sea in a small fisherman’s cottage before heading to Derbyshire to be with my family for Christmas. The change of Devonshire scenery was a distraction from what was going on under the surface.
Christmas 2023, I didn’t want to be around people, but I didn’t want to be alone. I spent Christmas Day 2020 in lockdown alone and did not have these difficult feelings. It was the darkest point. I had already been struggling with suicidal thoughts - something I have dealt with previously and know how to handle. I didn’t want to die, but it felt exhausting to keep living. Everything took energy and hard work. I shared my experience this year in a piece for the iNews. My family was unsure how to talk to me, and in part, with the expectation of the holidays, it would always be difficult. I was physically present, but mentally, I was elsewhere. There is no magic answer to how you combat loneliness.
I wanted to stop feeling numb. I sat with those feelings even when I felt sad. Sometimes, we must do the work to connect meaningfully, which can feel scary and uncomfortable. I pushed myself to keep connecting with others, even when I wanted to hide away. I spoke candidly with people close to me about how I was feeling, eradicating the shame that was trying to hide in the dark corners of my mind. Slowly, I began to feel less untethered.
I approached 2024 with a different mindset. I decided to be very intentional about slowing down and pausing. I did not rush into making decisions. After eight years of having a team, I ran my business alone for three months without support. I needed to do this to help me understand it and immerse myself - I wanted to learn what made me happy. By April, I had acted clearly on how I wanted my business to operate and had fallen back in love with it. My twice-monthly coaching sessions with Jessica were sacred because they allowed me space to reflect, challenge, and move forward. I learnt to become comfortable working off my timeline. This year, I have done more inner work to challenge my fears and limitations, which have kept me bound for several years. From this, I have discovered a sense of feeling completely at home, rebuilding trust in my intuition or inner knowing.
In the last few months, several people have described me as calm, a word I would never have associated with myself and my ADHD brain. I am still spinning 600 plates, feeling all ribbony as I describe it, and into every project, but I feel grounded in my identity. I am anchored, but this is why others may see it as calm. In May, I found myself physically unwell with bladder problems, which has been painful and draining. This barrier slowed me down physically, but the headspace this afforded me allowed me time to create, read, and think. I have spent more time being present, doing breathwork, and connecting mindfully with gorgeous souls and like-minded individuals. I have preferred time alone or 1:1 rather than in groups, which makes my brain happier. I have been out with nature, hugging trees, swimming in the open water, and going back to doing artist dates and writing.
I am content, which feels different from being happy, a transient emotion like all the others. Yet right now, I have never felt more like myself and put myself first more than ever. Of course, being human, this is always a work in progress. But if you asked me on June 15th, 2023, would I expect to see myself here? No, I wouldn’t. This is how post-traumatic growth goes. It requires you to go off and do the work, meet it head-on, let it wash over you and then see where that growth takes you once you lean into the darkness. I know this healing process has felt quicker than before because I already had the tools to draw from. My self-care looks different. The continued understanding of my neurodivergent brain has helped me know what I need to look after myself, and this is an ongoing journey.
There have been many exciting and joyful moments in the last 12 months. I am not someone who wipes it all out with an exclamation that everything is shit - I would be doing myself a disservice in all that I’ve been through and worked hard at. Will the 14th of June be a date that is present every year? I don’t know, and I would like to think that it will fade into the recess of my memory over an age. But for now, it will be the date when I think about how I stepped into myself and my self-belief rather than when I lost everything.
As always, thanks for reading.
Take care,
Coops x
If you are dealing with poor mental health, please know that there is support out there and someone who will listen - reach out to the Samaritans and SHOUT.
Lovely to see you in a happy place… and totally bossing that bikini! 👏👏😘
My first 25 years of life were more or less good and uneventful ( with the exception of a very eventful time at the age of 16 but that’s for another day). Thereafter, life of diagnosed bipolar meant 30 years of several episodes of depression in between work, family and wellness.
Since then, over nearly 20 years to this day, good mental health has prevailed.
But real change and revelation is only 4 years old and continues to this day. And this all started with a zoom writing course. I’ve been writing since then and, because of this, I have found out the reason for my depression all these years ago. Now that’s a hell of an epiphany!