Dying matters, and having better conversations about death, dying and grief

What I've noticed #25

I recently became aware of a campaign called “Dying Matters Awareness Week” running from the 6th to the 12^th of May. The campaign is run by the charity Hospice UK. This is a great way to create awareness and start a conversation on the topics of dying, death, and grief, which can still be taboo to many of us.

Photo by Transly Translation Agency on Unsplash

I have always had a fascination with death and dying. I know this comes from losing a parent at six years old. It was understood for me early on that we do not live forever and my dad who died in an accident aged 34 compounded this thought. My mum drilled into me that life was not a dress rehearsal, which meant I seized and ran with every opportunity that life has presented so far. I’ve searched for adventure. I’ve loved hard and equally lost.

In my coaching practice, I walk the landscape of grief alongside my clients who are filled with pain and sorrow. I worked for three years voluntarily with humanitarian aid workers who regularly dealt with so much grief and vicarious trauma. I have coached clients who have come to me for other reasons, and then they have experienced a death during our coaching contract. I’ve coached clients who have been going through anticipatory grief during their coaching, supporting someone in their life who is dying.

As a Mental Health First Aid Instructor, some of the skills easily translate across to those who are going through grief, supporting someone who is dying, or navigating death. Last year I felt it was important to up-skill my knowledge and undertook a specialist course with the charity Cruse as I wanted to understand the theories around grief and bereavement. In January, I trained to be a Grief First Aider with Cruse which is very much linked to the practical approach of how I like to work and support others.

I was pleased to see that this year’s theme for Dying Matters focuses on the language that we use, and the conversations we have, around death and dying. There are so many barriers that stop us from having good and supportive conversations with someone. These include a lack of confidence, worrying about upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing, and taboos around discussing death. The same as talking to someone about their mental health, we often come with the best of intentions, but our language can be clumsy, so we avoid the uncomfortable. This is okay and a normal response, simply asking the person if they feel comfortable talking about the person who has died is a starting point or saying you are so sorry for their loss.

Often what is hard for people to understand is there is no time frame for the grief process. People who I coach often report colleagues, friends and relatives cease to check in after some time. Sue Ryder's research shows that someone’s optimal performance at work will still be only up to about 95% a year after a bereavement. I hope this serves as a reminder to reach out to someone you care about today.

I thought it might be useful to include some do’s and don’ts when it comes to supporting someone who is grieving.

What to avoid saying to someone who is grieving

• “At least he’s in a better place; his suffering is over.”

• “At least she lived a long life, many people die young.” (Anything starting with at least is a big no!)

• “You’ll be okay after a while.”

• “There is a reason for everything.”

• “Just give it time. Time heals.” 

• “It was just a dog or cat. You can get another one.”

• “You have to be strong for your spouse, children, mother, etc.” (This diminishes their need to take time to heal.)

• “Stay busy. Don’t think about it.”

• "Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you." (This can feel overwhelming, offer to do a specific action which you know will help the individual)

• “I know how you feel when I lost….” (This may not be helpful if you are making it all about you, but it may reassure the person that how they feel is perfectly normal so be mindful of the context).

Here are some tips on what is helpful to say to someone who is grieving

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

• “I wish I had the right words. Please know I care and I’m here for you.”

• “Would you like to talk about what happened?”

• “You must really miss them.”

• “Would you like to share memories of X with me?”

• “Whatever you are feeling, and whenever you are feeling it, it’s O.K.”

• “I wish I had the right words for you.”

This week I had an entire day of grief coaching for one of my corporate clients which went well. It is great the business recognised the benefit of supporting their employees and offered this talking intervention. The feedback from the people I coached was that they found it a supportive and helpful space to talk through how they were feeling as well as gaining some practical support.

If you are interested in finding out about grief coaching either for yourself or for your organisation, workshops on navigating grief or consultancy support, please do reach out to me at info@ruthcooperdickson.com.

Please also go and have a look at the work of Hospice UK and Cruse.

Until next week, take care.

Coops x