From Panic to Presence: Tips for the Summer Social Season
Robbie was open about his panic. I’m sharing my tips too.
Welcome to Coffee with Coops! 💛☕️
I’m Coops, an award-winning Positive Psychology Wellbeing Expert & Thrivership Coach™, here to help you not just survive the week, but thrive in it
My love languages? Coffee, cake, movies, and classical music.
✨This reader-powered corner of the internet gives you access to my full archive, live sessions, replays, and exclusive Mental Wealth resources.
This week, we’re talking about the power of posttraumatic growth, music as healing, and how to handle the summer social swirl with a little more ease.
Friday 13th June was apparently Posttraumatic Growth Day - yes, apparently, that’s a thing. If you want to read my peer-reviewed research on coaching and post-traumatic growth, you can do so right [here].
If you delved into last week’s newsletter, you will know that I had the privilege of being invited along to the Robbie Williams concert in London.
It was excellent. I had watched Robbie in concert in December of 2003, whilst I was studying at the University of Sydney. A lot has changed in 22 years, but Robbie was pure escapism; he put on a great show, and I got to sing and dance my little heart out, very loudly.
There is something in that pure abandonment of launching your soul into a concert, no matter the genre of music. It was a great memory. What was a marked difference in this concert was how Rob spoke very openly about his struggles with managing his own mental health and addiction.
“Broadly, the vulnerability that he has always embraced in his music (“I don’t wanna die, but I ain’t keen on living either”) has become more and more in vogue for men and male celebrities, in response to the frightening versions of masculinity spawning online. It seems that the mainstream masculinity of the day has caught up with the man who openly sang in 2002: “If you don’t need me, I don’t exist.”
In November 2023, I wrote a piece on Coffee with Coops about living with panic attacks and the newly launched Robbie Williams documentary on Netflix.
I’ve taken that newsletter out from behind the paywall; you can read it in full below.
On the topic of anxiety, I had the opportunity at the start of the week to catch up with the lovely Ciara from the charity No Panic. We discussed the ways I can support more as a patron and upcoming changes within the charity. Part of our conversation landed on social anxiety and how quickly our social batteries can drain. I thought that it would be an opportune time to go through some tips on looking after yourself during the summer social season.
I am not a fan of large gatherings, even with family and friends, which can often be more fraught! It is that time of year for weddings, and again, not something I particularly enjoy, unless I put in measures to protect my mental health, something I wouldn’t have done in the past.
I hope you find these tips helpful, especially if you often feel anxious before attending a social event with friends, family, or colleagues at work. I have found myself struggling at larger events after the pandemic, so these strategies have been helpful for me. Let me know if you have any others to share!
Thriving doesn’t mean doing it all. It means knowing what’s right for you and honouring that.
Social anxiety
Many people occasionally worry about social situations, but some of us can feel overly worried, before, during and after them. This can be social anxiety or social phobia, which is a long-term and overwhelming fear of social situations. If social anxiety is impacting your daily activities, self-confidence, relationships, work, or school life, consider opening up and speaking with someone who will listen and offer help or support.
You can call the No Panic helpline or talk to your GP. Social anxiety is a common problem that you shouldn’t have to suffer alone. Your GP will be able to put you at ease and share treatments that might help you deal with the symptoms you experience.
A reminder, though, it’s okay to RSVP ‘no’ to protect your peace. Thriving doesn’t mean pushing through every uncomfortable situation.
My tips for you…
👗 Dress for confidence
Pick your outfit a day or two in advance, one that makes you feel good and grounded. It should be something that makes you feel confident and comfortable. Enclothed cognition is a psychological term which refers to how clothing can have a systematic influence on the wearer’s psychological process. You might find wearing your favourite red jacket makes you bold and confident, even if you don’t necessarily feel it on the inside. Or your favourite band t-shirt is an expression of the music you listen to and your identity, attaching positive memories such as being at a gig with friends.
P.S. I have a special guest expert on Coffee with Coops in a few weeks, who will discuss this topic to help guide you with your outfit choices.
🛑 Create your exit strategy
This is one of my go-to essentials when attending events. I would always worry that people would say something if I left early, but that has always been my brain, with its cognitive distortions. There has never been a time when I have annoyed someone by slipping out quietly, thanking the host for the invitation.
If you feel panic or overwhelmed, ensure you know how to get home safely, or have a phrase you might use as an excuse if you want to leave early. A good plan is to let a friend know or someone you trust that you are heading to an event alone. Ask them to be on standby so that if you panic, you can text them and have them send you three things that are great about yourself for positive reinforcement.
Deep breaths can definitely calm the nervous system, and no one will even know that you are doing it. You can also practice repeating a mantra to keep you focused, and an example could be
I am safe. I can leave if I need to. I’m choosing to try.
🤔 Reconnect with your why
Why are you going to the event? Are you eager to hear the speakers, interested in learning something new, or are you there to support a friend? Remind yourself of the importance of why you are choosing to show up! This is the one thing that can get me to the event in the first place before I can talk myself out of it.
Another thing I do is create little nudges to overcome potential self-sabotage, so I will message a friend to say I’m going to show up, or arrange to pick someone up or meet them before the event.
💬 Prepare conversation starters
Talking to people is the best approach, which may sound counterintuitive if you feel anxious. I always have a couple of topics ready to make me feel comfortable, for example, a film I watched recently or what I enjoy doing outside of work, such as running. I don’t always use them, but it's helpful to know they’re there.
My advice would be to approach a small group of two or three people and be honest: “I’m so sorry to interrupt, it’s just that I don’t know anyone here and I was wondering if I could join your conversation?” It sounds terrifying, but try to remember that people are generally kind - and if they’re not, that says everything about them, not you. If they don’t, that’s on them, not you. I’ve also left events early when people are rude, or it has been difficult to connect with individuals. I've learned not to force those connections and waste my own time and energy.
🧠 Post-event decompression
Once you have managed the event and are back home, I always try to self-soothe to regulate my nervous system from the feelings of anxiety. If it's been a loud event, I love to be quiet and often take a bath in the dark. I put on my comfy, safe clothes (like my pjs) and I might sit on the couch to watch something comforting I’ve seen before, or get in bed with a book. I find that if I’m overstimulated, it can make me really tired. Try to ensure you regulate yourself post-event to dissipate all the stress hormones. If it was an event you didn’t particularly want to attend but had to go, for example, due to a work situation, then congratulate yourself on getting through it. Try not to overthink it - next time it will feel a little easier.
Be proud of yourself, regardless, and give yourself a ton of self-compassion.
Have a strategy that works for your social anxiety toolkit? Hit reply, I’d love to hear it.
I hope these were useful, and do check out the brilliant work that No Panic does to support those who struggle with anxiety, both youths and adults.
Next week, I'm attending a film screening, which I'll be writing about in this month’s The Intermission 🍿 - excited for this.
Have a wonderful weekend, thrivers!
Remember: showing up for yourself is always the bravest first step.
Love
Coops☕️💛.
I would love to see Robbie in concert! Great article and advice too 💚