How Grief Shapes Us
The lessons grief leaves us, and how they change the way we live.
Today I felt that the pressure was on. It has been a long time since I have written a good old-fashioned Coffee with Coops. I know many of you enjoy the video interviews, the audio clips and Espresso with Coops – my podcast – which has now reached over 3K downloads! Seriously, I am beyond proud of that project.
But back to the matter in hand. I write this from a coffee shop in my town of Southend, which is buzzy and busy. Friends are chatting, women with babies talking to their friends, and regulars are greeted by the barista by name and know their order. People like me – working – or others out with their dogs. Elderly people with their shopping trolleys, some alone, almost sad or resigned, others getting down to business, the order of business, the gossip of the day.
I can’t hear what they are saying. I have my headphones on with noise cancellation, and the classical movie soundtrack (Time by Hans Zimmer, if you are interested) is blasting into my eardrums. It is low enough to take in the slow hum of chat. I don’t feel that I need to know what they’re saying. Some pique my interest; with others, their personality is already evident in their animated expressions and conversation with their coffee buddy.
Today, I feel the deep power of social connection. It’s as if I am only just starting to notice it, and this has very much come from creating the Beyond the Grief online course. I said to my assistant this morning,
“One thing that can be guaranteed is that we will all go through grief, a bereavement. We will all be touched by grief in our lives, and that is something we cannot escape.”
You may have read the quote by CS Lewis, “The greater the love, the greater the grief”, which I think is true if you consider the deep connections we forge with others. But grief can equally be felt by those in our lives where the relationship is fleeting. Grief can impact us in many ways: at times, it may savage our lives; at others, it’s a smoulder of pain and sadness. We can hear of the death of someone we don’t even know that well and find ourselves in floods of tears.
This is the power of grief – facing mortality and how short our lives truly are. Many people I meet don’t like to think of endings – we are often not good at them. It’s why people delay making wills, taking care of funeral arrangements, and thinking about what will happen when they are no longer walking the planet. It’s as if people believe “if I don’t dwell on it, perhaps it won’t happen to me”. One thing that I have learnt in my coaching is that grief shapes you. No matter the depth of connection or how well you knew the person, it can change all of us or simply give us a different perspective.
I posted on Instagram last weekend about how grief has shaped me since I was a little girl, and my dad’s death in a car accident when I was six years old. It received a lot of love but also reflects the path that shaped who I am and the work I do.
I was talking to a therapist last week, and I said I remember being about 14 years old, screaming at my Mum in the GP car park. It was a usual teenage argument, but I’ll never forget telling my Mum, “Why did you make me so hard-faced?”
This is unusual language for a teenager, but a testament to the experience I had at a young age and how I survived that time. My mum gave me what I now call her resistance approach to resilience. You might have heard me talk about the three trees of resilience. Resistance is stoicism – like an English oak tree that is hundreds of years old – a storm can come, and the tree will not budge.
I begrudged that part of me growing up. I was a force of nature – and I still am. But this grief shaped how I coach; it’s why I can safely hold space for people in a way some other coaches would back off from. It’s why I have flexible but strong boundaries. It’s why I am empathic, compassionate, kind, but also tough, challenging, and honest.
These are the qualities that work well in grief coaching. Because yes, time is a healer, but if we sit back and wait for time, we hand it over to the unknown. People like to feel in control, and let’s face it, grief makes people feel completely out of control. At some point, you have to take that radical responsibility for your healing journey. I am not saying you will be hard-faced, but I will equip you with the resilience skills needed to move forward, allowing you to turn the page to the next chapter of your story or start a new book when ready.
There’ll be more to come on Coffee with Coops about grief, but here are some upcoming events you might want to make sure you’re signed up for:
✨ Upcoming Events ✨
🕯️Beyond the Grief Masterclass - Monday 27th October, 7pm.
Still carrying grief? You’re not alone.
You’ve done the therapy. You’ve researched the grief models. You’ve talked it through. And still, a part of you feels frozen in place, like life has moved on, but you haven’t.
What if healing isn’t about “getting over it”… but gently learning to move with your grief?
Together we will explore:
🧘🏻♀️ A simple, grounding breathwork practice
✍🏻 Reflective journaling prompts to spark insight
🕊️ A fresh perspective on how we make meaning in the midst of loss
If you’re feeling stuck or simply curious about a softer, more spacious way to navigate your grief, this space is for you.
You’re warmly invited. Come as you are.
Click below to register for the free session on Monday 27th October 7:00pm - 7:45pm.
This will be available on demand shortly afterwards, but ensure you are registered on Zoom to receive this early.
🕯️🍁Calm with Coops - Tuesday 4th November, 7pm.
Free for paid subscribers 💛
An evening to pause, breathe, and reset.
We’ll journal, meditate, and settle into a gentle autumn space before winter rolls in.
Bring a blanket, a candle, and that notebook you’ve been meaning to open.
👉 The Zoom link will be sent on Friday 31st October.
If you’d like to join as a paid subscriber, it’s just £20 for the year, which includes three Calm with Coops sessions and six Grief Circles.
📆 The next Grief Circle is 25th November @ 7pm. Link sent nearer the time. 🕯️
I hope to see you soon at one of these gatherings.
With love,
Coops ☕ 💛