As Neurodiversity Celebration Week comes to a close I wanted to share how I’ve been feeling about my diagnosis.
In the last 15 months, I have learnt a lot about being a neurodivergent woman, after my diagnosis of ADHD (hyperactivity/impulsivity type) in 2022. What I’ve noticed this week is how much of a shift has happened within me and how this feels ongoing. I seem to be becoming more and more RCD, or I am more comfortable in my skin, and I am here for it.
I discovered this week by reading Kat Brown’s brilliant book “It’s Not a Bloody Trend” that 85% of people diagnosed with ADHD in the UK are given the combined diagnosis, which is the inattentive and hyperactive type. Also, women tend to be diagnosed with the inattentive type, rather than the hyperactive/impulsivity type. The hyperactive type traits are what people often assume those with ADHD possess.
I have always felt different. There were lots of scenarios I shared with my psychiatrist which evidenced how my ADHD was showing up throughout my school years in the 90s. A time when being neurodivergent was rarely picked up in girls. I was seen as a chatterbox, the drama queen wanting to be the centre of attention. My Nan used to call me ‘fidget bum’ because I could never sit still. My family jokingly nicknamed me “an audience with” after the TV show about a solo performer, or “me-me-me” how I constantly interrupt others. I had many short-lived hobbies, where I would go full hyperfocus and then change my mind; horse riding, dancing, netball, track, band practice, choir, drama, swimming, gymnastics, and martial arts – these are the ones I remember.
Understanding I was neurodivergent got me to look at every aspect of my life, this has taken time and bags of compassion. It was not something I could just sweep in and change everything in one go. It has taken patience (which I’m learning!), peeling back each layer seeing what’s underneath. Re-discovering what I know is the real me. I do not feel like I have changed, more that I am discovering parts of myself that have been hidden under layers of masked behaviour, whether conscious or unconscious.
I have reimagined my business since my diagnosis. I spent 2023 ‘blowing up’ my businesses as I called it. I closed my CIC which had successfully achieved what it set out to do. I decided I didn’t want to scale my well-being business in the direction it was going. I need routine but not the structure of a big organisation. I was happier when I was not managing people. I rebranded in my name - a sign of becoming comfortable with showing up as me. I changed how, when and where I wanted to work. Now three months into a new calendar year, I’ve never felt happier with my career. I have created space for creative work, and space for exercise which helps with my dopamine levels, and I’ve changed the routine of my entire week. There is lots of white space for thinking and impulsive fun decisions. I know this is right for me because others look at my diary and it does not make sense.
From the beginning of 2023, I have worked twice a month with my coach, a talking intervention that has helped enormously. With her support, there has been space for reflection, frustration, tearing up the rule book and most importantly as I coined it how to be ribbony. Ribbony is me in my neurodivergent glory. It is grounded energy, but it is a high energy. I believe it to be me at my most beautiful self. Sometimes when I’m high energy but not grounded, that shows up as high anxiety, the mania and high emotions that come with being untethered. I’ve got to a place now where I can recognise this happening and step up the self-care strategies. I have created wishes for my business rather than goals, I always ask myself at the end of the month a series of questions; how I feel I’ve shown up, if I have found joy, and what I have learnt about myself.
One of my biggest learnings has been figuring out intentional rest. Although I love my job it can be mentally and physically draining. Whether this is performing and bringing positive energy to inspire others in a talk, keeping others safe when undertaking mental health training, or holding space and active listening in trauma-informed coaching. I have learnt that although I show up as my authentic self, as someone who is neurodivergent, I still mask in a client setting. I find if I do 2-4 days of client work in a week, I need a day to be completely introverted, quiet and not even leave the house. I have established hard boundaries around this, and it’s completely changed how I recover. I no longer have guilt for pushing back on others or missing social engagements. I have no shame in knowing I need this rest.
At the start, I said this was ongoing, and I know I have not finished this process. But the one thing which has made life easier is that I am bloody kind to myself now. Every single day I question my inner voice if it shows up with unkind thoughts. I extend myself self-compassion and forgiveness for my brain being how it is. I will let you into a secret, most of this week has felt what I call sticky, where my brain is doing one thing, and I am trying to work through my to-do list. On Wednesday, my friend said I left her my most ADHD voice note yet, it has been difficult to manage. But rather than get to the weekend and hate on myself, with all the self-care I have added in, I woke up yesterday proud of what I have achieved, despite the setbacks and challenges. I also have been very social this weekend which is another data point of how I’ve managed to do this but have upped my self-care strategies. It is a constant work in progress and always evolving. I would not be managing it as well without the brilliant support network I have in place.
I hope that sharing part of my story with you has made you feel less alone if you have gone through something similar. For those who do not understand being neurodivergent hopefully, this has given you some insight.
Next week I am taking a break for Easter. I am heading to Derbyshire to see all my family, my first visit since Christmas. If you are into the topic of sober living, being sober curious, or mindful drinking, I have written a piece for the lovely Anna Sudbury’s Substack landing next weekend. It is all about my experience of sober dating in your 40s! If you fancy a giggle, make sure you are subscribed to her channel to not miss it.
Until then wishing you a lovely Sunday afternoon and a restful bank holiday when it arrives.
Coops xx
In recent years I have learned not to ignore, or put aside what I call "sinking" feelings. I now deal with them head on, because years of experiencing, and suppressing these feelings resulted in repressed anger. Not good for mental wealth!
Rather than battling on, I rest and relax and am kind to myself. Throw in a bit of positive reflection and life is good.
As always, I enjoy reading your writing.