What does it mean to take radical responsibility?

I’d heard of radical optimism (hello, Dua Lipa) and radical acceptance, but I’ve been exploring what it means to take radical responsibility. To be radical, we fundamentally change the nature of something; to be responsible, we take accountability. So, my interpretation of radical responsibility is changing our accountability—how we behave, act, and the direction we want our lives to take. In the coaching room, my clients are surprised when they have the light bulb moment - they are responsible for their lives. Nobody else. Taking radical responsibility is a huge leap as it requires us to stop blaming others for what is happening to us. It also needs to be approached with tons of self-compassion. It is not about us piling on the guilt or shame. It is taking all the mistakes, failures, and past hurts and witnessing how they form part of who we have become. Before you say anything, I know this sounds easier to say than do, but radical responsibility, I don’t think, requires us to have all our stuff neatly folded away. It can still be messy and complicated, but we accept it anyway as we grasp it all in our arms and loudly say, it may be messy stuff, but it’s my stuff.  

Radical responsibility could look like quitting the job you have hated forever and re-training for something you always wanted to do. It could mean moving to the other side of the world. It could mean leaving your partner, who you love but know is not right for you. It can also be changing seemingly small, but what are life-changing behaviours - holding boundaries around a toxic friend, putting yourself ahead of the kids once a week to do that yoga or community class you love, or shifting the gear and not playing the continuous negative feedback loop in your mind.

I have taken radical responsibility at various points in my life, and looking back, my stuff was very messy and complicated, but my ownership of said messy stuff was the pivot change. A clear moment where I took radical responsibility was when I was in an abusive relationship in my late teens and early 20s. The fear of what would happen if I left this relationship had kept me frozen. It took several years to realise I had to regain control of my life. I was not going to be kept in this dark place anymore. It was the fear, shame and guilt from this relationship which bound me from being radical, and I carried this shame for many years afterwards.

I realised I had to remove myself from this drama and the part I was playing in it. I want to point out that this is not saying I deserved what happened to me. You may have heard of Karpman’s Drama Triangle, which describes dysfunctional relationships in which people shift between three roles: Prosecutor, Rescuer, and Victim, all held in place by guilt and blame. I have spent years coaching women who have experienced domestic abuse and violence and have worked closely with organisations providing this important and underfunded support. Finding myself in this situation as a young woman and making that move –physically and mentally –was the hardest thing ever. It was terrifying, as were the repercussions, a story for another time. It is not as easy as just walking away, as those who have been trapped in a toxic or abusive relationship will know.

Reflecting on my radical responsibility, it was a few steps forward, followed by many nervous pauses. I remember still not feeling truly safe, and then, around the age of 22, I somehow realised I had the power to change everything. I turned my world upside down by moving to Sydney and starting a new life.  In therapy, coaching and my inner work over the years, I have identified this pivotal moment where I trusted my intuition and the recognition it was down to me to change what was happening in my world. Learning this early in my life made me realise I could empower myself to change my story – this was my life, and I would own it.

I want you to do something radical right now. Yes, right in this moment.

I want you to stop reading, close your eyes or lower your gaze and take deep breaths through the nose and out through the mouth.

I want you to check in on what is happening for you right now as you read this.

Where would you want to take radical responsibility in your life right now?

I'm just going to ask you that question again. Where would you want to take radical responsibility in your life right now?

Take some more slow breaths in and out of the nose. Listen to your inner voice. The first thing that comes into your mind is probably the right thing. Listen again.

You might find it helpful to stop and journal what has come up for you.

Now, take a final deep breath. You’re back.

As I write this, I wonder what you have said about taking radical responsibility for your life. Grasping that ownership and holding it close, knowing it is yours to do so, regardless of the outcome. What words did you whisper to yourself? Do you dare say them out loud? Do you think you could do this?

How does it feel when you look at those words you wrote or hear your inner voice whispering the answer in your mind?

Scary? Hard? Maybe impossible?

Rather than fear, could it be a tremor of excitement? Of anticipation? Does it head you down a “what if this could be true” path?

What possibilities exist if you use your power to gather all your stuff up and change it? Because you can. You have it in you. I know you do. Even if that power feels tiny, like a pebble deep in the bottom of your stomach, it is there. You can take that step forward to be radical.  

Radical responsibility has a beautiful resilience attached to it because when we fundamentally change, we step into the unknown—whether that is the unknown of a new job, being single, or not knowing how that friend will react to your new boundaries. Any change can feel scary to the brain; it can be anxiety-inducing, hard, and sometimes painful. Therefore, we must wear our resilience like a cloak as we lean into the knowing that we will never be able to have all the answers mapped out. This is the magic of a radical nature. It will go beyond anything you have done before. It is the exercise of personal freedom to live our lives with agency. Write your own story by choosing to ingrain the method of radical responsibility - I dare you.

I hope you enjoyed this week's post or found it thought-provoking. I mentioned last week that I will be spending more time here. There is a new section for paid members, and a new offering will be coming very soon—as well as much more for all my community. Honestly, thanks again for being here and reading my words I’m full of gratitude.

Take it easy.

Coops x