The impact of collective grief, a shared experience in a fragmented world
What I've noticed #6
Over the last few weeks it has been impossible to ignore the horrifying atrocities, pain and suffering in Israel and Gaza. This piece is not about the war itself or my views, but what I want to talk about is what I’ve noticed this week when supporting others who have been impacted whether directly or indirectly.
There is so much grief and pain in the world right now and this has added again to the melting pot of what we were already carrying. No wonder that life seems so much, when everything feels so hopeless and sad. There is something we have to reconcile as to how we move through our privileged lives when people are being bombed, losing their homes, the lives of innocent people taken. In fact on World Mental Health Day in a keynote I was delivering, someone asked me a question when we were discussing the continuum of 1-10 as a way to talk about our mental health. The person said, if I’m a 4/10 how does that compare with someone who is living in a war zone, surely my numbers shouldn’t be as low as a 4/10, given that I am safe and well?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
This in essence is gratitude, the ability to notice the small and seemingly things we do take for granted every day. Like being safe at home or having running water and electricity. This is why when you practice gratitude you build that into your daily life, it is the small things what you notice. There is a reason it is the most researched positive psychology intervention and proven to alleviate low mood, anxious thoughts and boost wellbeing. However I also want to say that I speak weekly to people who are struggling, really struggling, but who will dismiss their problems as “first world” because they might be in their eyes safe and well. I know people who don’t reach out for help or minimise their experiences because they don’t see it as horrific, as what other people are going through in the world. Our pain is relative to us and our circumstances. Yes absolutely, there are times we do need to step back and see the bigger picture and gain perspective, but also it does not make your own truth invalid and that you are any less deserving of help.
Grief can make us feel like we have lost our sense of control and safety
Let’s talk about grief and anxiety in relation to what is happening right now. Grief is a deeply personal experience and it is the universal emotional response to bereavement or loss. Grief can make us feel like we have lost our sense of control and safety, therefore it is normal to feel anxious about what might happen next.
The war we are witnessing is an example of collective grief, which is when a collective event causes entire communities and large groups of people to suffer - the shockwaves go far and wide. There doesn’t have to be a direct connection between you and the loss/tragedy and the community who is impacted - we are interconnected in our humanity. Collective grief, unlike personal grief, touches people irrespective of their personal connection to the event, as our very fabric of society is affected. We form a communal bond of sorrow, as we grapple with a sense of vulnerability, the abruptness of mortality, and a shattered illusion of safety.
The events can bring up in us a whole range of emotions including; sadness, fear, guilt, overwhelm, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, disillusionment, numbness, shock, anger and helplessness. All the intense and difficult emotions we don’t like to face into, or may not be aware of how to process effectively. Experiencing collective grief can bring up our past experiences of grief, perhaps where we have not processed or dealt with the grief. Therefore these emotions can feel intense for something that has impacted us, but it might feel disproportionate as it is not happening directly to you.
We can also embody grief and it begins to show up for us in various ways; from a lowered immune response, metabolic changes, muscular-skeletal changes, increased inflammation in the body and an increase of cortisol and other hormones.
Positively coping with what is happening right now
Recognise what is happening within you and allow yourself to sit in all the emotions. It's essential to acknowledge the pain and allow yourself the space to grieve. It is better to face these emotions than pushing them down, where they might come out later.
Limit exposure to social media and the news. While staying informed is vital, continuous exposure to distressing news can be overwhelming. If you are constantly watching or reading graphic content it can lead to 'compassion fatigue' or secondary traumatic stress. Take digital detox breaks when needed and limit your news intake.
Seek support by talking to family, friends, work colleagues, or professional channels, please do seek out support. Sharing your feelings and hearing others can be extremely helpful to process what is going on for you and in the world.
Engage in healing activities and those activities which boost your happy hormones. Activities like art, journaling, or even physical exercise can be cathartic outlets for grief, but simply anything that brings you joy.
Advocate for change and ‘do hope’ for others. Channeling grief and those emotions into positive action can be empowering. Join or support causes that address the root of the tragedy, write to your MP, donate to the organisations who need support or volunteer, get involved in local/national organisations, or reach out to people you know who are directly impacted.
Questions to ask myself which may be helpful when dealing with grief
What do I need to feel safe right now?
What do I need to feel seen right now?
What do I need to feel soothed right now?
What do I need to feel secure right now?
How to be there for others
In a time like this it is so important to check-in on those we know who may be impacted and need our support. With collective grief we must remember we do not have the same experience as the person we are speaking with. We all possess a unique frame of reference on the world. Address human suffering with humanity and conquer the fears that can stop you from reaching out, such as you don’t fully understand the conflict, or your views may be different on the topic. Do not get involved by debating your views on the war/politics, this is about you giving someone space to talk, to feel seen, safe and heard.
Here are few reminders on how to listen to someone non-judgementally.
Allow the person to feel seen and heard - demonstrating that you care is at the heart of humanity and compassion.
Turn off your brain’s normal reactions – which is not easy!
Be aware of all the verbal and non-verbal clues you give off when listening.
Focus on your breathing and be present. Do not be thinking about what question to ask next.
Give space and time for the person to think and respond, do not continue to speak without a break and allow for silences.
Be mindful of your emotions that come up in the conversation, recognise them and come back to them later.
A reminder on doing hope for others
I spent three years coaching humanitarian aid workers out in the field and I learnt a lot about the challenges and the huge rewards of doing hope for others. The self-care part was always the hardest for them, even the small things such as going for a swim, the cinema, meeting friends. When they experienced joy or laughter, it could often follow with the emotion of guilt or sadness. It it a reminder for you that doing the self-care is important because we cannot pour from an empty cup.
We cannot support others if we are not okay.
We cannot raise our voice and be heard when our energy is low.
So know that by doing self-care is as Audre Lorde described, an act of political warfare.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
- Audre Lorde, 1988.
Someone reached out to me this week who was struggling with the conflict and has connections to the region, they asked for three things that could help them day to day whilst going about their daily working life here in England. I sent over these suggestions and they wrote back to say they were very helpful, so sharing again in case they help you.
If you struggle to focus during your work day set small tasks and a timer (Pomodoro works well). Make sure you are taking those breaks away from the screen, stretch, breathe, go outside, whatever you think your body needs.
Write a gratitude list - three things - at the start or end of every day to focus on what is good for you right now in the moment. No matter how small they might feel or insignificant.
Breathe - use breathing techniques such as 4-7-8 or the 4 box model to come back to calm in the body or focus. Use conscious connected breathing to process and release emotions held in the body
Collective grief, while deeply painful, also reveals our innate human capacity for resilience, unity, and compassion. As we navigate this current time in the world right now it's crucial to remember the strength that can emerge from shared experiences. The power of our collective spirits and voices as communities come together bound together in adversity.
Look after yourself and each other.
Love Coops x