Homecomings and the healing container of nostalgia
What I've noticed #7
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At the weekend I took a short break to Whitstable where I lived for a year from July 2021 to August 2022, this was until I moved away from the coast to live with my (now ex) boyfriend in the beautiful Chilterns. The plan was to visit friends and take much needed downtime on the back of a hectic October, yet I knew there was a deeper reason why I had scheduled this trip at the time that I did.
The trip was going to be reflective. Recognising how much my life had altered since I first moved there, and all the expectations, hopes and dreams that I carried with me when I left. The fact that I was returning now, just over two years later, so much has fundamentally changed in me. There have been many tears shed and my heart broken, as well as a new feeling of freedom and strength.
As I wandered the quaint fishing village, every corner I turned awakened a memory held from a time passed. The restaurant where we went on our first date, running past to wave and whoop at the old apartment where we sat on the balcony, or where we took our friends and families when they visited for the best gelato in town. I felt as if all these memories were enveloping me in a warm hug.
What word has been buzzing around my head after this trip was nostalgia.
This trip was exactly the opportunity to look back whilst moving forwards. There is a lot of nostalgia tied within grief, knowing you have tentatively stepped forwards, but able to embrace memories without a sharp or crushing pain, so they summon a positive response. I’ve since discovered the term ‘nostalgia’ derives from the Greek words nostos (return) and algos (pain). Therefore the literal meaning of nostalgia, is the suffering evoked by the desire to return to one’s place of origin. This made absolute sense about my return to Whitstable. I am acutely aware I would have not been able to make this trip until where I stood right now in my grief.
Nostalgia in the past was considered by psychology experts as a negative impact to humans, that it harmed our wellbeing. It was believed that nostalgia was about sadness and uncomfortable feelings. Of course, nostalgia does have a sad side with its bittersweet touch and gentle longing, but it also welcomes us to the present, and the awareness that time has passed and the future beckons. Studies have also shown how nostalgia is related to the self in the social context, meaning how we are connected to others in our memories. When you are being nostalgic, I am confident there will be another person or people present in your memories. Research by McAdams in 2001, demonstrates how nostalgia can own elements that are both positively and negatively juxtaposed e.g., I am sad and disappointed that I’m no longer in the relationship with my ex, but I am glad I had the opportunity to be in Whitstable with someone where we both experienced these beautiful seaside weekends together.
Nostalgia often comes from a negative effect so the circumstance, such as grief, is what triggers those memories. On the Tuesday morning before I left Whitstable my friend Anna said she was glad that the trip had not turned into the ghost of boyfriend past. She was pleased for me that it wasn’t as painful as she thought it might have been and that I had walked through the weekend with self-compassion. The loss of an intimate relationship will always be painful, but I felt strong enough to physically revisit those memories, at the same time creating new positive experiences from where I now stand in the present.
Our trips down memory lane can be summoned in so many ways, such as all of the five senses - smelling their favourite perfume on the train or eating the meal your nan used to make. They can also come from an activity that we are doing in any given moment, such as listening to music, watching a movie, looking at photos, or sharing a story with a friend. All of these can bring about the experience of nostalgia as an active choice. But we can create nostalgia unexpectedly - think of a meaningful song being played on the radio station when you are driving home.
The idea of me returning home to Whitstable makes sense when we think about the origins of the word and its meaning of homesickness. Although Whitstable was only a home for a short period of time, there was a deep connection for me. I believe this is also linked to my draw to the sea. I lived there at a time when the world was just beginning to awaken post pandemic lockdowns and there was an insular feel to my own life. As humans we need to feel grounded, to feel safe and regulated. That is exactly what this trip did, it provided a calibration, almost to the point that I was not consciously aware of how much I needed to feel this. The need to throw myself in the freezing cold sea, to laugh with friends, to create joy and contentment within. Which is all part of the healing journey. Which again brings me back to grief and nostalgia, there is meaning making, a sense of what has been and what will. A way to wistfully say goodbye, but does not leave us untethered, keeping us grounded to our here and now.
I read that nostalgia is a creaturely behaviour and I feel this, that we all do it. We are not alone in how we do it. It shapes our ability to deal with death, to deal with loss in whatever form this takes. We make meaning from it, and it provides us with a positive and constructive lens to look at the past. There is something to mention here about not overusing the rose-tinted glasses, the danger that we end up spending too much time in the past and forgetting to live - which reminded me of the quote on my Hogwarts mug…
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” – Dumbledore.
Interestingly it was this quote that sprung to mind, because if you know Harry Potter, this is a movie that is filled with nostalgia. Both in the characters and their stories, but also how the magic can whisk us back to our own childhoods. It is evident these movies and books are part of my own nostalgic memories.
We bank these memories for when we need them. These cherished experiences that we store away. That are important in the make-up of who we are and our own story in this lifetime. They give us meaning to events and to ourselves, nostalgia gives us the experience of feeling valued and of being connected to others. We move these experiences into our own healing container of nostalgia, that we can dip into when times are hard, when we experience pain, death, or loss and know we will have strength to walk through it again. The existentialist in me is often fully aware we have a fleeting moment on this planet, that life and time really is slipping away. But nostalgia gifts us a marvellous conjuring trick that makes being alive lively, and for us to be grateful for all that is yet to come.
Until next week, stay safe.
Love Coops x
Great stuff. Nostalgia is such a complicated thing. It can be used for good or evil within your heart and soul. I remember this quote from Greil Marcus - 'nostalgia is a taste for discovery in ruins, an emotional decadence, the refuge of a crippled soul or an impoverished heart'
Thank you for sharing your trip to Whitstable - I am so glad you feel better for the experience. Also, for the interesting comments about the meaning of nostalgia. I am glad that nostalgia is beginning to lose it's negative image.