It’s late (11:30pm) but I will be responding to this soon. I identify with much of what you say. Suicidal thoughts were briefly part of my mental health journey and two suicide attempts, 10 years apart, were unsuccessful, I’m glad to say. And I didn’t talk about these thoughts these years ago, though family and GP knew how depressed I was both times.
I would appreciate your opinion on a piece of writing for my one act play, which includes a short section on suicide. I shall explain this to you, if you are interested!
This is such a gorgeous and generous essay, Ruth, thank you so much for sharing, friend xo ps kind of jealous of you writing this in the British Library! Co-working soon please?xo
Ruth, thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this post. It’s brave of you and reassuring for me as I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager (I’m now in my late 60s). I’ve never attempted suicide, and I’ve never had such a breakdown that I required medical help, although sometimes I wish I had. However, because of a traumatic accident a long time ago, I did receive counseling for a couple of years and I’m forever grateful to the two female social workers who helped me. But that was many years ago when I was still fairly young and impetuous. Finding help can be very difficult. Only a couple of times in my life did I find a counselor who, as you say, gave me the space to be honest about how I was feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve since come across other counselors who probably should have gone into a different line of work. It’s not a good sign when you leave a counselor’s office feeling like you’ve wasted her time. Now when those suicidal thoughts creep into my head, I think of my sister who died in July 2022. She was not suicidal. She had been suffering from Parkinson’s for several years, growing increasingly dependent on her family, especially her husband. She did not want to die. One of the last things she said to her husband was “Don’t give up on me.” But she deteriorated quickly and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks before she died. I mention her because her family, especially her husband, is not better off without her. My brother crudely suggested to me that our sister’s husband would probably flourish after her death because she had “ruled” their household and now he would be free to do whatever he wants. The thing is, he just wants my sister back. No one—except perhaps my brother—feels better off without her. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. I guess I’m saying that there’s been enough deaths in my family for me to see and experience devastating loss, to know that we all need each other, despite whether we see ourselves as “burdens.” My sister would cry about being a burden to her family, but no one wanted her to go. And so I think to myself, that might be true for me as well. My absence would make others feel worse than I do at my lowest point. So I keep on. And I allow myself to be selfish, to stay in this world so I can enjoy what it has to offer. Sorry for the long comment. Thank you so much for this post.
It’s late (11:30pm) but I will be responding to this soon. I identify with much of what you say. Suicidal thoughts were briefly part of my mental health journey and two suicide attempts, 10 years apart, were unsuccessful, I’m glad to say. And I didn’t talk about these thoughts these years ago, though family and GP knew how depressed I was both times.
I would appreciate your opinion on a piece of writing for my one act play, which includes a short section on suicide. I shall explain this to you, if you are interested!
Sandie
Yes would love to see it Sandie 💛
This is such a gorgeous and generous essay, Ruth, thank you so much for sharing, friend xo ps kind of jealous of you writing this in the British Library! Co-working soon please?xo
Ruth, thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this post. It’s brave of you and reassuring for me as I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager (I’m now in my late 60s). I’ve never attempted suicide, and I’ve never had such a breakdown that I required medical help, although sometimes I wish I had. However, because of a traumatic accident a long time ago, I did receive counseling for a couple of years and I’m forever grateful to the two female social workers who helped me. But that was many years ago when I was still fairly young and impetuous. Finding help can be very difficult. Only a couple of times in my life did I find a counselor who, as you say, gave me the space to be honest about how I was feeling. Unfortunately, I’ve since come across other counselors who probably should have gone into a different line of work. It’s not a good sign when you leave a counselor’s office feeling like you’ve wasted her time. Now when those suicidal thoughts creep into my head, I think of my sister who died in July 2022. She was not suicidal. She had been suffering from Parkinson’s for several years, growing increasingly dependent on her family, especially her husband. She did not want to die. One of the last things she said to her husband was “Don’t give up on me.” But she deteriorated quickly and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks before she died. I mention her because her family, especially her husband, is not better off without her. My brother crudely suggested to me that our sister’s husband would probably flourish after her death because she had “ruled” their household and now he would be free to do whatever he wants. The thing is, he just wants my sister back. No one—except perhaps my brother—feels better off without her. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense. I guess I’m saying that there’s been enough deaths in my family for me to see and experience devastating loss, to know that we all need each other, despite whether we see ourselves as “burdens.” My sister would cry about being a burden to her family, but no one wanted her to go. And so I think to myself, that might be true for me as well. My absence would make others feel worse than I do at my lowest point. So I keep on. And I allow myself to be selfish, to stay in this world so I can enjoy what it has to offer. Sorry for the long comment. Thank you so much for this post.
Much respect for sharing this and taking the stigma away x