From the Edge to the Ocean
Ten years since everything cracked. A year of steady breath.
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Iâm Coops, an award-winning Positive Psychology Practitioner & Thrivership Coachâ˘, here to help you not just survive the week, but thrive in it
My love languages? Coffee, cake, movies, and classical music.
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Coffee with Coops will take a short break for the summer. The Intermissionđż returns next week on July 26th for the end of the month.
In August, there will be a pause; the newsletter will be on hold, but I may send a brief update as I prepare for our return on September 6th.
I am working on a new podcast, a masterclass, plus a special project.
There are several years' worth of articles, workshops, and resources available here on Coffee with Coops âď¸ Summer Sale: Unlock full archive, workshops & Mental Wealth resources for ÂŁ10/year (save 50%+). Offer ends 31 Aug.
Note: The piece below includes a brief mention of suicidal thinking. If youâre struggling, support is available, and the resources are at the end of this post.
đ Ten Years Ago
Ten years is a long time, yet not an eternity.
Ten years ago in July, my world shattered.
I remember the long summer evening; Iâd been drinking wine after some difficult work news had happened, but this wasnât the reason why I was on the edge, it was a culmination of a divorce, maladaptive coping strategies, and mental ill-health â it was the straw that broke the camelâs back.
I was sitting in the bath in the dark, candles all around. Music blaring. It was late for me, past 10 pm. The pain that sat in me was eating me whole.
I lost track of the time. The water had gone cold. I sat on a precipice.
When looking back through my journal, I found this sentence.
Feeling sad, lonely, worthless. Donât want to kill myself, but think about how I could kill myself.
I thought no one would find me for a few days. Who would care? Who would realise?
Iâll never forget that night.
This was my very first journal, and I was emotionally unregulated. I was so unwell. I was experiencing intense mood swings. On one page, the sentences made sense, and on the next, they were incoherent. I was obsessed with exercise, weight loss, and maintaining a sense of control over my life.
This wasnât the first time I had struggled with suicidal thoughts, and it wouldnât be the last. You may recall that I published a Coffee with Coops in 2023, which was featured in the iPaper.
At this time, I still had the will to live.
I donât remember going to bed, but I recall looking at myself in the mirror the next morning. I didnât recognise the person. It didnât even look like me.
My eyes were dead, my face grey.
As if I were possessed by something dark and unnatural.
I went about my day. It was the last day of work before the weekend. I donât remember much about the weekend, except that my mum walked me to the local Tesco and told me she was worried about me, and I should perhaps go to the doctor. I had withdrawn. I was crying a lot. I burnt out with all the exercise I had been doing and surviving on âclean foodsâ.
I didnât want to worry her, but something in me softened when she said it. That Monday, I said I would go to the doctor. But it was too late. On Monday morning, I had a major meltdown when I arrived at work.
The beginning of the end.
The change.
A crossroads into a new path.
And here I am still standing. A sober and healthy person, in mind, body, and spirit. It has taken a long time to get here, with many wobbles along the way. It also takes a considerable amount of time to do this work, and as I have said time and again, healing does not happen in a vacuum. Life continues, and so much has changed me in the last ten years. It has taken all aspects of resilience for me to keep growing.
My last panic attack was August 6th (345 days ago at the time of writing). It is nearly a year since then, which is a significant milestone for me, as I have never gone this long without experiencing one. Will I have them again in the future? Who knows. But the game changed when I realised it was less about whether I was having panic attacks and more about taking radical responsibility for my healing journey and the root causes. To learn more about radical responsibility, please read my post [here].
Reflections from Brisbane
All of this surfaced for me whilst I was sitting on a beach on the Gold Coast. If you regularly read Coffee with Coops, youâll know that I've been in Australia for the last few weeks, attending the International Positive Psychology Associationâs (IPPA) World Congress in Brisbane. I then went to the coast for just over a week. The second week was mainly about downtime, allowing time to surf, run along the coast, and also to reflect, think, and develop a business strategy. I did no writing whilst I was away, apart from my journal. I read four Romantasy books â Iâm currently working my way through Sarah J. Maas' Throne of Glass series.
IPPA was terrific. Here is what I brought home for you. It was a real opportunity for connection and renewal. It felt good to get back amongst the academic rigour and hear the current and future challenges of positive and coaching psychology. My friend Kasey Lloyd hosted a brilliant symposium on Neurodivergent Flourishing, which left people in tears and challenged the discipline to be more inclusive. I also supported some other friends in their research talks.
đ IPPA Takeaways
I am eager to share more once my brain has had a chance to recover from the tiredness of the long journey home.
Hosting a few special guests on Coffee with Coops in the autumn, following the conference.
Launching a new workshop based on strengths, breathwork, and embodiment.
Deep diving into classical music & post-traumatic growth â I attended some great research talks on this area.
It was a memorable conference. Although the days were long and my social batteries were depleted, I gained a lot of new knowledge, and it was well worth the trip to the other side of the world.
Brisbane is a stunning city, and I felt completely at home there. It was delightful to walk to and from my Airbnb in the CBD, crossing the bridge to South Bank every day. I had the chance to run around the Botanical Gardens a few times, take a few swims in the outdoor pool, and attend a 5:30am hot yoga class â very cool â called Pilgrim. For me, visiting a new city often involves staying active and exploring by going for a run. Treating myself to a new class is my way of imagining what life might be like if I lived there, and hot yoga was a fantastic way to loosen up my muscles after the long 22-hour flight.
Surfing into Stillness
After a week in Brisbane, I moved to the Gold Coast to stay in a place called Kirra Beach. Unlike other fabulous Substack writers, I am terrible at suggesting where it is best to go when visiting a place. My neurodivergent brain loves a routine, so I quickly establish a pattern for where to grab coffee, eat breakfast, and so on. I am also terrible at advising on travelling solo as a female. Iâve travelled alone since I was 24 years old and have a bit of a wild streak.
For example, I lived in the largest favela in the Southern Hemisphere in Brazil, and I have seen shootouts, dealt with guns, gangs and cartels. I hitchhiked when I went to Calais in 2022 to work with the displaced refugee community, as I needed to get back to Lille, as the worst storm in 50 years was happening. I had been sleeping on a wooden pallet in a room with three other people, and I didnât want to get stranded. Unfortunately, there are no travel hot takes to be found here - sorry!
This area of Australia is beautiful, though. I lived in Australia for three years while attending the University of Sydney, where I studied for my MA in International Business. I spent hardly any time on the Gold Coast. I flew into Brisbane and hitchhiked with a Dutch and an American dude to Byron Bay (see, thereâs a pattern here!), but I didnât get much chance to explore the coast. I have been back to Australia many times, but usually to Sydney, NSW, and IPPA 2019 was held in Melbourne.
One thing I did a lot of was surf. I love surfing. I last did it when I was in Hawaiâi. For me, itâs the perfect way to be present, be in nature, and be humbled. It is also hard work. Some days were more successful than others. My friend Kasey (of epic symposium fame) took me out for four of the five days I surfed, and she was patient with me. It is frustrating as a beginner because you get something right, only to lose your skill in another area. In Thrivership Coaching, we discuss micro-resets: stand, fall, reset, repeat. This is surfing in motion.
When I surf, I find myself in a state of flow. The time disappears. Sitting on a board and watching the sun rise over the water was priceless; the sunrises are truly breathtaking, especially the one that followed the night after the full moon. We had a giant moon suspended in a pink sky on one side, and the burnt-orange sun rising on the other.
Kasey, like me, is an early riser, so we headed to the beach at 6am, and already the sidewalk was busy with walkers, runners, cyclists, and dog walkers. I love Australia for the outdoor lifestyle. Swimmers are out along with the surfers, and the coffee shops open at 5am - what is this life! Crashing into bed early because youâre happy, exhausted, and sore, only to wake up early the next day, is my idea of a brilliant break.
I am now utterly refreshed and energised for the second half of 2025 to be unstoppable. I need this humidity to calm down in England!
If this story met you somewhere tender, the archive is full of tools, replays, and conversations on Thrivership, radical responsibility, and creative recovery. Summer pass: ÂŁ10/year through 31 Aug.
Letâs keep growing, with tenderness, courage, and maybe a few early morning coffees too.
Love Coopsâď¸đ
If you need any support, know that there is always someone who can listen. A list of resources is available on Coffee with Coops: https://ruthcooperdickson.substack.com/p/mental-wealth-resources.