Personalising habit building and tailoring it to your life's rhythm
What I've noticed #24
I apologise now if this post has the odd typo, I’m pretty tired. I ran 27 miles yesterday in an event and climbed a bloody long way. I started to write this on Friday and felt it was a good reminder for me to take it easy today. I will write about my relationship with running another time, especially as we head towards Mental Health Awareness Week in May.
In the last week when out and about, I’ve noticed that when people are talking about needing to build new habits, they are often expecting an instantaneous result. Whether this is from wanting to change the culture of their team dynamics, start to move their body more, or shift their mindset. As a neurodivergent bod, I have the gift of picking up a new hobby/activity/habit and going all in hyper-focus, with often very little interest or dropping it completely after some time. Even though I have been running since 2002, I have years where I don’t take part in races and sometimes completely drop running for the sake of my latest activity.
When I was diagnosed with ADHD (hyperactivity and impulsivity type) it was a revelation because it explained why I found it impossible and I am not joking when I say this, to rest.
I have never rested unless I’ve been sick or when I am sleeping. According to anyone who has shared a bedroom with me, I do talk in my sleep – many of you who have met me will not be surprised by this.
But this does go to some way of explaining the many years of burnout since early adulthood (before I knew burnout was a thing), severe panic attacks, high anxiety, and the epic meltdowns I used to regularly experience. My batteries were always depleted.
My relaxed ‘chilled days’ on a weekend would be someone else’s idea of being flat out. I have never been able to locate the off switch for my brain. I’m pleased we now understand more about the different types of rest, and we can be curious about this for our own life, e.g. creative rest, spiritual rest, and intellectual rest. The type of rest I have always struggled with is the lie there and don’t do anything type of rest. Pure physical rest. I used to marvel when people shared with me how they had spent a Saturday or their entire weekend relaxing on the sofa. I would sit there listening – how on earth can you do that, are you mad, don’t you get the urge to write a book, clean the house top to bottom, do some yoga, sort out a cupboard, change the world? ha.
During 2023 I started to work on building a habit of intentional rest. Lying there, not trying to do other things, just relaxing. I found it difficult, impossible and gave up many times. I remember my ex-boyfriend coming into the lounge to say, “RCD you need to not move, but watch something on Netflix and relax”. I hated doing it too, but I kept at it. I kept trying this different type of rest, but I found it hard to do naturally. As an early bird, I’m always awake by 6 am even without an alarm. That happened today even after a poor night’s sleep and a marathon. I’ve always woken up and got straight up, leaving no time to relax in bed.
So what’s changed?
It took me over 15 months to build a habit of physical rest. 15 months. None of this builds a habit in 60 days here. I had to keep showing up to try and rest. The decades of learned behaviour meant I had to keep working on it, giving myself grace when I failed. I knew it was important to me and my mental health, but it was not easy to do. Once I kept showing up for this regular habit, I began to see the rewards of what it gave back to me. My nervous system regulated a little and my batteries recharged. For it to work for me as a habit I had to schedule it into my diary. I would look at my diary and once-a-month book a Saturday or Sunday for a full day of rest. The way my brain works is that I could not do this on demand and suddenly decide “Right a day of rest!”. Once I started to see the rewards and the benefits of my habit, it encouraged my brain to do it more. Since January I have noticed I enjoy the days when I relax and more importantly, I look forward to this day of physical rest. If I had expected to see results from this habit immediately or without discomfort, I would have given up last summer – like many other habits I have tried and failed at initiating beforehand.
I am sharing this with you because it might resonate with the habits you want to change. It can take much longer than we think. It can be difficult and we will likely fail. We have to work around how our brain works and the lifestyle we have.
Where have you noticed that you could look for the rewards, learn to lean into some discomfort and have patience with anything you are seeking to change? This month I was in Boots magazine sharing my hints and tips on spring cleaning your life including habits for the year ahead, so if you have a Boots Advantage card pick one up for free in-store if you need some extra inspiration.
I’d love to hear how you work on building your habits, what obstacles you overcame and how did you keep the motivation if it took some time.
Have a great week ahead!
Coops x
Hello Ruth, how this newsletter speaks to me. me too, I am a neurodivergent and I often feel so tired by not sleeping well, and wanting to be busy all day. I know I do need to take moments/days of rest and plan them in, but it seems so difficult. I have so much interest and curiosity to do, read, listen to… If you have any tips how to start, these might be welcome…