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My next free Wellbeing at Work Webinar is focused on Thrivership at Work - Building a Proactive and Holistic Mental Wealth Strategy. If you are responsible for mental health at work, a business sponsor, or are simply interested in the topic, this webinar is tailored for you. Thursday 19th September 12:15 BST
This week’s Coffee with Coops covers suicidal thoughts, which may be triggering. Support organisations are listed at the bottom if you are dealing with this. Please speak to someone if you are, there are people who listen. You’re not alone.
Whenever I deliver an MHFA training course or any wellbeing or mental health workshop, I always say: “Yes, we are talking more about mental health” and “Yes, the conversation is more open”. Considering when I started in this space nine years ago next month, the idea of even saying we were struggling with mental health, particularly in the workplace, was non-existent. In some workplaces that is still very much the case.
The 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day. This still matters so much because even with all the open conversation and visibility on mental health, people still feel they cannot be open if they are experiencing suicidal thoughts. Samaritans research found that 74% of people feel comfortable talking to their friends and family about mental health. However, there's still a significant gap when it comes to discussing suicidal thoughts, with only 45% of people feeling able to talk about them.
Just a few weeks ago, the annual statistics on suicide rates were released, showing that in England and Wales, they have reached their highest levels since 1999.
Highest male suicide rate since 1999
Highest female suicide rate since 1994
Most affected: Men aged 45-49 and women aged 50-54
The Northwest has the highest regional rate
Suicidal thoughts are common; the statistic is that 1 in 5 people will experience them at some point in their lifetime. When someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it does not always mean that they will engage in suicidal behaviour, but the person must receive the proper support. Yet talking about suicidal thoughts can naturally be difficult, and it requires finding someone who can hold that space for you and who recognises that you need help. What can happen is that the person listening tries to make the other person feel better, because they are worried and concerned. But this can inadvertently diminish how someone feels, leaving them thinking they are crazy or “silly” to be feeling this way, which adds to the shame and stigma. Often, it is because a person is afraid to hold the space while someone shares – let’s face it, we are not all medical or psychological experts. The thought of someone harming themselves, especially someone we love or care for, is unthinkable. A common myth is that when we hear someone saying phrases which might sound like suicidal thoughts, such as: “Everyone would be better off without me”, we might think that asking that person if they are having suicidal thoughts will put that idea into their head – all the research points to this not being true.
I have struggled with suicidal thinking on and off throughout my life. For a long time in my 20s and 30s, I didn’t get any help, and I should have done. The only way I can describe it is that it comes creeping in, sometimes without me knowing, and then I find myself thinking why it would be better not to be here. I have felt, in the past, a burden to my friends and family. I know they would say this is not true, but I think those of us who have struggled with mental ill-health can feel a strong sense of guilt about the worry we have placed on others. The best way I can describe how these feelings show up, is that I feel a black hole is pulling me in and consuming me. The night before I had a complete nervous breakdown in July 2015, I was in a very dark place. That following day, I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever experienced at work and was sent to the doctor. I was a lucky one; I was assigned to a mental health crisis team quickly and I had a brilliant therapist called Taj – who I will never forget; I believe she kept me alive. When we spoke about my life and all that I had done, I remember her saying: “Everything now is a bonus” this phrase stuck with me.
Everything is a bonus. Being here is a gift. Walking the planet, being with loved ones, laughing, crying and having adventures are all gifts. Seeing the beauty in even the smallest of things has taken me time. I have only learnt to slow down in the last 12-18 months, which has allowed me to breathe and develop a sense of inner calm. If you’re outside looking in, you probably won’t see this. You will see me dashing around, being involved in 247849 projects. But there is a grounding to me now. It is subtle, but it is there. People who know me well, including family, friends and clients, have commented on this a lot recently. A client whom I have not seen in person for much of this year and whom I have known for several years said today that there is something different and peaceful about me.
In January of this year, I appeared in an article in the INews about why middle-aged women are suffering a silent mental health crisis. This was on the back of my Coffee with Coops article, which resonated with many people - you can read this below - and I have taken down the paywall so you can read it.
Last year was tough, and those thoughts crept in. I knew I was in the depths of despair when I caught myself googling, “How can you die in your sleep?”. Looking back to last November - December, I do not remember even getting to that point. It is almost like I dissociate from myself when I’m feeling in this headspace. My Mum said when I came home at Christmas, I was a shell of my former self; everything was grey, too loud, too much. I think I tried to be happy to be there, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t want to be sad around my family at a happy time, but I was scared to be alone.
My parents were worried about me. I was moving through such an intense grief period, and it took several months to work through this. I was open and honest with people close to me; I got the proper support. I have had to face more challenging times this year too. Of course, nothing gets better overnight, but I have noticed that this is the first time I’ve not had those thoughts in many years. I think a lot of this comes down to my support and the people who love and care for me; I know not everyone has that. I am lucky. I am from a family where we can talk about this stuff. I’ve also called the Samaritans at different points in my life and found them to be of incredible support.
One thing I say a lot is that healing cannot happen in a vacuum. It is tough to climb out of this black hole that is sucking you down, without a lifeline, without others. This is why so many people struggle to find the help they need. But when I think about how, as someone who works in the mental health space, I have struggled with overcoming the shame and embarrassment of these feelings; others must feel they can’t even entertain a conversation with another human.
I don’t think I have ever openly shared as much as this on paper. I have written this sitting in the British Library, and I have found myself crying twice. Not because this is too painful to write, but because I am sad for the past me who had to go through all of this, and for all the others who are no longer here and who never found that support or person to talk to.
I want to say, please talk to someone. Someone will always listen. Don’t dismiss them as silly thoughts. Know that it’s better to get them out of your head and work through them; even if that feels more fearful. I promise it will get better.
Here are several support networks you can turn to or signpost loved ones if they are struggling with their mental health - I have linked all the organisations.
NHS Support – for the UK
🚨 If you or someone is in immediate crisis, call 999
☎️ NHS 111 (Now has a dedicated Mental Health and Crisis Team)
☎️ Call your GP
☎️ Contact your Mental Health Crisis Team (many areas now have a dedicated service).
I hope reading my story helps you to understand if you do not know much about suicidal thoughts. If you are feeling this way or have in the past, I see you, and if you are struggling, please get help. Someone will listen. Life can be challenging for everyone in different ways and at different points. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s situation; we all deserve help and support, no matter how trivial we think it may be compared to others suffering.
Just to remind you, everything from here is a bonus.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s Coffee with Coops. It is a reader-supported publication with lots of value, so I am always grateful when people subscribe. There will be another upcoming My Mental Wealth™️ workshop on anxiety in early October, so stay tuned!
You may not know, but I’m a certified breathwork leader. I am hosting an in-person 90-minute transformational breathwork class in London on the 27th October at 1 pm. It is a collaboration with the brilliant HELLO LOVE - a cultural movement that speaks to artistic expression, daily practice and positive social change. You can buy the tickets on the Hello Love events page.
Please share this article if it resonates with you or tap the heart at the bottom.
I wish you a lovely weekend.
Love
Coops ☕️💛
It’s late (11:30pm) but I will be responding to this soon. I identify with much of what you say. Suicidal thoughts were briefly part of my mental health journey and two suicide attempts, 10 years apart, were unsuccessful, I’m glad to say. And I didn’t talk about these thoughts these years ago, though family and GP knew how depressed I was both times.
I would appreciate your opinion on a piece of writing for my one act play, which includes a short section on suicide. I shall explain this to you, if you are interested!
Sandie
This is such a gorgeous and generous essay, Ruth, thank you so much for sharing, friend xo ps kind of jealous of you writing this in the British Library! Co-working soon please?xo